I won't go back to the complete and utter lack of confidence of my past. I will not allow others to dictate my path. I will create my own destiny.
So I guess...behind every dull moment, there is this bit of exciting and unpredictable under the surface. I just need to remember to tap into it and let others see it.
Maybe that's the point... fitting in is the wrong goal. Maybe the point is to learn that Plain and Tall isn't such a bad thing and that somewhere down the line, someone will recognize it for all it's brilliance again. Perhaps the person who needs to recognize it the most is me.
I keep myself guarded but I can't breathe if I'm smothering myself and I can't keep fighting if there isn't something to fight for.
Surely that means a million terrible things that I can't even conjure up in my own brain..I just know it makes me feel terrible and like a throw away. But maybe I am and just don't know it? Time will tell - perhaps. But perhaps not, too.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. I always hope for that. I know myself, though, and the greatest moments of joy and triumph for me are still marred by the fact that it's hollow. I don't know how to give things meaning for myself, and maybe that's the biggest fail of all.
If this resonates with you, I'm sorry - but I hope you're still hanging on.
Healing begins when you recognize that you can, and while the darkness is still ever present for me, and the cracks are still showing a little bit of everywhere - the light is starting to come back through.
I’d like to think that he’s somewhere, a stone’s throw or thought away, knowing that I put one foot in front of the other because a love as strong as ours doesn’t just end – it transcends.
The idea that there is a version of me somewhere - in some part of space and time - that looks back with the wisdom of age and sees the courage it took to claw out of the fire and ashes that followed gives me something to strive for. I just hope it was enough.