Please Stop.

Not sure if I should blog post or Facebook post…but I’m not going to be a very popular person today. Woke up to reading a lot of people supporting de-funding Planned Parenthood on my newsfeed and saying some really hurtful and deplorable things in regards to it and I won’t be able to keep my mouth shut/fingers from going at it I don’t think.

Look, I don’t think you’re all bad people. I really don’t. I think in general you’re misguided and misinformed and that is really unfortunate. I also noted a lot lot LOT of emotionally broken people talking about things they just don’t understand and I understand that, too.

The argument was posed, again, that women who have lost babies should be against abortion completely as we know what it is like to have a wanted child taken from us without rhyme or reason. I don’t talk about my experience with this because some of my family aren’t aware that I ever was pregnant in the first place and because its still a very painful subject. So let me preface this with if you are part of my family, this next part may be a bit too much to read and it may be traumatic. Also, for others, this next sentence is a major trigger alert and I apologize there too:

All three of the pregnancies that I’m aware of having ended in miscarriage at various stages. My first miscarriage happened when I was barely out of the beginning stages of pregnancy ~ 4 or so weeks along. It was still one of the most physically painful moments of my life. I had no idea that I was pregnant and I also had no idea in hell what was happening to me. I was 21 years old and no one ever prepared me for that. The emotional scarring from this was incredibly..how to put it…unexpected. When I went to the doctor and they informed me that it was a miscarriage..I remember it hitting me like a ton of bricks. I’ve always, for as long as I can remember, wanted kids. That was my dream: being a Mom. So having that literally ripped out from under me without me knowing about it initially was devastating. I remember feeling like an absolute and complete failure because my body didn’t have what it took to give me what I wanted. Not to mention, the doctor I saw told me that my stress level is what killed the pregnancy and that added a whole new level of self blame that is hard to describe.

Now, fast forward to August 2013. We found out that I was pregnant shortly before my birthday. Everything seemed like it was going well, we scheduled our first OB appointment, I was taking it easy and (knowing my history) trying really to be as relaxed as possible. A week before our first OB appointment in October 2013, I started cramping and bleeding. It wasn’t a lot and it wasn’t constant and I still “felt” pregnant. I knew we had the appointment coming up so I wasn’t completely concerned. One of our friends came up to Juneau for a visit and I think the night before she left was when I knew something was wrong. And I think our appointment was the next day or the day after. They confirmed at our appointment that I had miscarried again shortly before reaching 12 weeks of pregnancy. Mind you, this was also a few months after having lost my Dad. The depression that hit after this was…astoundingly bad. The doctor that I saw at the appointment treated me like I was completely and utterly psychotic. She came back in the room after having ran a urine pregnancy test and said, and I quote, “Aww, you want to be pregnant, don’t you?” I’ve never felt more humiliated in the entirety of my life.

Now, why do I tell you this? I tell you this because I DESPISE being used as an excuse that anti-abortion supporters use when questioned about their beliefs. It happens every single time I see this argument. “There are women who struggle with having babies who will take your baby! Don’t have an abortion! Don’t kill an innocent human being!” And it is seriously one of the most misguided and hurtful things I’ve ever read. Do I want children? Yes. Would I EVER force someone to have a child they didn’t want simply because I’ve been through the trauma of losing a child that I wanted very much? NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS. I believe strongly in a woman’s right to choose, in a family’s right to choose, in a couple’s right to choose…and my body’s inability to so far carry a pregnancy to term successfully has nothing to do with their decisions at all.

Please, stop linking Mothers who have had miscarriages to your anti-choice, anti-abortion rhetoric. It is abhorent, its disgraceful, and you do way more harm than you realize.

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