You know, there was a time when even the separation between rooms from you was too much for me to handle. Sure, sometimes we would need our space – you on the PS4 talking to your friends and I typing away speedily either on IRC or on Facebook. In the end, though, even that old separation between our kitchen and living room felt like an eternity to be away from you.
Sounds so stupid now, doesn’t it? We swore up and down that we would never become that couple – the couple who cannot be separated, who don’t have their own lives, who are all over each other all the time, who don’t respect space – but we did it anyway. In our own way, of course, but we still did it. What can I say? I fell head over heels the minute I talked to you on the phone the first time and then especially when I finally got my eyes on you. I was hook, line, and sinker ever since. I’d have followed you anywhere. And did! All you had to do was point in the direction we were going, hold my hand, and take me there.
My best friend – my greatest adventure.
Now the wall isn’t just between our kitchen and living room. The wall that separates us now is between the world of the living and the world of the dead. I thought hours was too long to be apart from you before…imagine my shock at realizing I’m going to likely be here for the next 40-50 years without you, baring some weird unforeseen circumstance. That’s a hell of a long time to not be able to look at someone and talk to someone and to randomly pick a direction and just drive that way without a care in the world with someone. That’s a long time to miss your laugh, to miss the way you’d scratch your hand when you’d get super amused by something, to miss the way you’d face palm when I’d say something ridiculous and hear you exclaim that I’d just given you yet another white hair. To hear you scoff at my jokes and to hear you explain the world to me. It’s a long time to look across the room and not see you when everything in me still wants to pull in your direction. I miss hearing you say my name. I miss your rants. I miss your stories. It’s already been too long.
There is still part of me that knows deep down that it wouldn’t have been this way for you – that my being the one on the other side of the veil wouldn’t have had this great of an impact. I’d trade my life for yours in a heartbeat if I could. I don’t know that that will ever change. You had a light to give to the world and I’m just…well…here. And I’m sorry that the people in your life who should have recognized it didn’t sooner. I’m sorry that there wasn’t more I could do to save you and that there was no way to fight harder. If the world were even slightly less cruel…..
How do I reconcile the eternity that is to come with an eternity that has already passed?
I probably don’t. I just have to find a way to survive it.