One of the things that became necessary immediately following Alex’s passing was having to suddenly do things on my own where we used to do them together. Making important decisions on my own, going to the grocery store on my own, deciding how to budget on my own, going to movies, going to restaurants, playing video games, going for a long drive…etc etc…all became violently empty all too quickly and completely. It also became necessary for me to give myself reasons for those things to be important. Not only do I have to do things on my own now, I also had to make myself the reason that I do them.
When Alex was alive, a lot of my drive and ambition was for Us. How to get Us to a good spot financially and how to get Us to stability. Every movement, every thought, everything was for Us. I suppose if I’m truly honest, it was really for Him. I’ve never put too much importance in myself. I know that. And truth be told, that is what I struggle with the most still.
It doesn’t help when I go out in public by myself and see the stares and hear the whispers. I’m not deaf. I’m not making this shit up. People look at me different because all they see now is a lonely fat girl who fits their stereotypes. I find myself having to justify everything : I feel like shouting “I’m alone now but I USED to be loved by someone”. Thing is, that wouldn’t help anything either. Because I’m still the stereotype now, no matter what the circumstances are. And I feel it. I feel it in everything. And no matter how hard I try, that reality will always be waiting for me. Every time I look across from me, no matter where I am, I am all too keenly aware of the person who should be in that seat and even more keenly aware that it’s just me now.