Music, reading, and writing have always been my escapes. When I am at my most broken, the worlds I choose to lose myself in always welcome me with open arms and I embrace the loss of reality for however long I can. It’s been that way for as long as I can remember.
They stopped working when Alex died – all of my coping mechanisms did. Last night I found myself being triggered for the first time in quite a few months and even the curling up in my room, hands on my head, rocking back and forth whispering to myself that I was okay did not work. I cried hard enough to rock my very bones for hours and nothing I did worked.
It’s been just over a year – and yes – this is still 100% normal. Some days I do really well, and then some days the whole thing knocks the wind out of me so hard that I can barely stand.
I started writing to Alex in October of 2016. It started on his FB messenger and now I keep a journal near my computer so that I can “talk” to him when I need to. There are many things that I have kept private, thoughts that I knew could potentially scare others, that I kept hidden: until now. I want other people to know that they aren’t alone if they are going through this and that yes, while it SUCKS ENORMOUS DONKEY BALLS sometimes, it is normal. The thoughts are normal. And yes – the waves get easier to anticipate.
If this resonates with you, I’m sorry – but I hope you’re still hanging on.
I don’t understand why it had to be you.
I don’t. I don’t get why it had to be you and not me. You were the special one with so much to offer.
When friends and family someday look back at my life after I die, they’re going to say that I was special and that I was this that and the other thing and they’ll be absolutely dead wrong.
But you….god damn it. You were the genius, the brilliant one, the one who had so much drive to live.
I was special with you, that’s all.
And I miss you so much
and I’m sorry I let you down so much
You deserved better, no matter what you told everybody else
I don’t want to be here anymore
And I can’t tell anybody because they’ll freak out
I wish you were here to tell me how to do this…how to move on with my life somehow
All of today while Mom and I were looking at houses…I kept thinking…I wonder what Alex would say about this, or this, or this, or that…and I wanted so desperately to talk to you
It feels like I can’t breathe most days
I wake up in this room and flip over and you’re not here
Even not having the cpap machine sound hurts
I hope you didn’t suffer like they say you didn’t
I’m sorry I didn’t get you there sooner
I’m sorry I failed you
I love you very much…and I never wanted anything but the absolute best for you
And I left you down, and I know I did
And I’m sorry I left you there before you died
I shouldn’t have gone
They said you wouldn’t have remembered me being there at the end..and maybe that’s true….but you had to have felt the fact that I wasn’t physically there
I miss you so much, babe
I hate this
I just hope that if there is an afterlife that you’re not mad at me
I’d deserve it if you were
but I know you knew that I love you
And I’ll carry the guilt of abandoning you for the rest of my life
The thing is..I know what you’d be saying if you heard me say all that
That I’m crazy and didn’t abandon you
And I’m going to have to find a way to keep that with me, too…I know how much you loved me.
And I know you knew how much I love you.
And that’ll be enough.
I miss you so much.
I know this would have been easier for you than it is for me.
I think that hurts more too..
I just want to hold on to you and kiss you and feel you…
It’s like half of me is gone
Today was better. I actually felt like I was in a good mood.
And I didn’t feel guilty for being in a good mood.
Mom and Levy have been trying to remind me of conversations you and I had about the inevitable: that you wanted me to find a way to be happy regardless of what that meant or what it took.
It still hurts, though. Not having you here still hurts as much now as it did when you left.
I still long for every phone call and every knock on the door to be you
Or to get some sign that you see me – that you see this. That you still know and are still here.
And then I think about it and what I want more than anything else is for you to be at peace and to do whatever it could possibly take to move on and experience different things the way you couldn’t down here.
Happy Yule, babe
Merry Christmas, Alex…….I miss you. I miss us. I wish you were here.
Feb 19th, 10:08pm
I don’t know why I keep coming back to this like you’re somehow going to see it.
Like you’re somehow going to be able to respond here vs with your voice or something…
this is so intensely fucking hard without you
I keep looking at older pictures of you and of us together…just to see that spark of life in your eyes and that mischevious grin…
and our wedding video
to hear your voice and hear you laugh
I can do that in my head, too, and I do frequently but its not the same
Its not the same not being able to walk downstairs in the morning and say good morning to you before I go to work
or make breakfast or make lunch or make dinner
EVERYTHING makes me feel alone and more different than I can possibly convey
But you knew that, and you warned me that it would
Did I do the right thing, babe? Am I doing the right things? Can you see me?
I’m afraid that this is going to go on forever
and I’m even more afraid that you were right about the afterlife being bullshit.
Because if that’s true, you’re really just gone.
and I’m by myself
and it hurts really, really, really bad
I miss you
Mar 26th, 2:28am
Hey….it’s been a while. I don’t know why I keep doing this. Like a journal of messages, hoping that at some point you’ll see it even though I know you don’t. At least not the way I want you to.
I want you to call me and tell me it was all a bad dream…that I can come home, that you’re coming home, that all of this wanting and pining and hurting can be over now.
I keep having dreams of us texting back and forth and you arguing with me that you don’t want to come back. I could understand that position….You know the fucked up thing? I know how much we loved each other. I know how much you wanted to live. I know how much you wanted to be with me. I KNOW all of that. But my heart can’t understand it anymore. Its like I can wrap my brain around the idea that you didn’t want to be with me anymore way easier than the idea that you were taken away before either of us was ready or wanted it to end.
I’m so incredibly lonely and lost without you, babe…and I don’t know how I am going to be able to keep doing this. I hate this new reality so bad that I can taste the bitterness of it every minute of every day.
And I know you didn’t want this for me. I know you would have hated this as much as I do. I know you would have been standing in the background pushing me and encouraging me every chance that you got. I just miss you so fucking bad.
And I know that I won’t find you no matter how hard I look or try.
I feel too different to be loveable.
And honestly, I know I’m trying to fill a hole that I won’t be able to fill. I want YOU. I always wanted you. That never stopped. Even when you were driving me fuckin crazy, even on our bad days, I always wanted you and I always wanted to be there for you.
As long as you’d have me.
And I just…god I wish you’d talked to me more about certain things. I don’t know that it would have helped anything, and in fact I’m damned sure it wouldn’t have, but to have that reassurance that you knew how important you were and are to me…
That I didn’t fuck that up at the very least
That you knew that I tried as hard as I could and I wanted to be better for you….and for as much as you fought me on it, you are wrong. You deserved someone better.
And I couldn’t be that and I never got to tell you how much I appreciated that you never held that against me..
I feel like a monster
I mean that in that I feel like I’m too different to be anything at all – my characterization is completely and totally gone now. Who am I without being your Wife? Being me has always been hard, you knew that, you drew me out of my shell. I feel myself fading back into it now and I hate it.
And I know you would be so pissed at me for it
I just wish I could hear your voice again. Not just on a video, but talking to me. I wish you could be proud of me but I feel like there’s nothing to be proud of.
And I know that’s stupid because I’ve managed to accomplish a lot since you’ve been gone. And I feel like you’d be proud of me. I really hope so.
You were the only one I ever wanted to impress or get approval from, and I know it is so damned stupid that that is the case
I don’t know how to do this all without you, babe. I miss you so much. And I love you so much. That never wavered, never changed, and will always be.
Jul 23rd, 11:23pm
You know, this time last year you were still here. Miserable and in pain and scared and still here.
4 days post the surgery and fighting hard to figure out why the fuck things weren’t working the way they were supposed to.
It’ll be a year coming up here soon.
The thoughts are just as hard to control now as they were when you were alive…probably more so.
I try hard to remember what you told me, the “ammo” you told me to use – and it’s a daily struggle
I had an I don’t want to be here anymore, I want this to be over day the other day
The kind of ironic thing about it is that you’re the one who stopped me…I remember you telling me that you didn’t want me to leave you and that my having those thoughts insulted you because it meant that I wanted to check out long before the world was ready to let me go.
Mostly…it’s the you telling me that you didn’t want me to leave you.
It’s hard for me because I know I already did.
I feel like I deserve this pain
but I also remember you sitting me down, my head on your chest, and telling me that I’d never made you miserable….that I drove you crazy, but that you were never miserable or unhappy.
I know I can fight. I’ve been fighting my whole life. And I always knew, no matter what, that as long as I was coming home to you – I could not fail.
You wouldn’t let us fail.
You made me happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life
I felt invincible being yours – like the world could throw the worst at us and we’d still be standing there, back to back, taking it on.
I don’t feel that way anymore. I’m unhappy. I don’t know how to get it back.
More than unhappy. I don’t want this life but I don’t know how to change it to make it make any sense, either.
You had an uncanny knack for helping me understand a world that I’ve never felt like I belonged in.
And I miss you. I miss the tranquility that was you. I miss laughing and smiling and talking and having a language. I miss how easy our minds used to reach out for each other.
For every step forward that I’ve taken, I feel like it’s not been worth it.
I hate the silence.
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