Every now and again something happens that reminds me to knock myself back a few pegs and that the universe has a sick sense of humor.
Today has so far been a super emotional day. Tomorrow is my December widow/widower’s group and the lead up to those is always hectic and jarring. Even though I facilitate the group and don’t process as much as the others, it still hits me. I have to get into a different gear and remember every little detail in anticipation of having to recall it quickly for the group. So there’s that. In general, though, I thought I was doing pretty well with that. I’ve been waking up smiling and enjoying the mornings more lately and my ability to self-soothe has gotten significantly better when I’m feeling not so great.
Enter said twisted sense of humor from the universe.
One of my guy friends – let’s call him Jake – messaged me to chat yesterday at one point. No biggie – we’ve been talking platonically for the last year or so-ish and I’ve never really thought anything of it. Then he decides last night was the night to profess his undying love and attempt to get me to sleep with him. I turned him down because I am incredibly not interested in that way and the first thing I get is ‘Oh come on, my wife won’t have to know”. So…in short….this is a guy friend who has never at any point mentioned being married and has decided that “loving” me means being a dirt bag behind her back with me. I said the only thing that I could conjure up at that point: I’m a Main Course. Not a Side Dish.
This resulted in a slew of being called every name he could think of along with being told that I’m worthless and not nearly as great as I seem to think I am and several other things that people say when they get rejected. Obviously..another one biding their time to see how far they can get my walls – or more accurately pants – down, and this marks #9 in the last year.
I’ll be honest: It hurts. I sat here for most of the day replaying everything and wondering if there is something wrong with me. It makes me feel inadequate, insecure, and broken. I already feel broken enough, I guess, this sort of thing just solidifies it. I’m not worth the “trouble” to be with, I’m just worth a quick roll in the hay before it’s over and they go back to their daily lives. Surely someone doesn’t get hit on like this by 9 “friends” only to find out they aren’t friends at all? Surely that means that my judgment sucks and that I’m not good enough for anyone to want outside of that. Surely that means a million terrible things that I can’t even conjure up in my own brain..I just know it makes me feel terrible and like a throw away. But maybe I am and just don’t know it? Time will tell – perhaps. But perhaps not, too.