Healing begins when you recognize that you can, and while the darkness is still ever present for me, and the cracks are still showing a little bit of everywhere - the light is starting to come back through.
I’d like to think that he’s somewhere, a stone’s throw or thought away, knowing that I put one foot in front of the other because a love as strong as ours doesn’t just end – it transcends.
The idea that there is a version of me somewhere - in some part of space and time - that looks back with the wisdom of age and sees the courage it took to claw out of the fire and ashes that followed gives me something to strive for. I just hope it was enough.
I've never put too much importance in myself. I know that. And truth be told, that is what I struggle with the most still.
Now the wall isn't just between our kitchen and living room. The wall that separates us now is between the world of the living and the world of the dead. I thought hours was too long to be apart from you before...imagine my shock at realizing I'm going to likely be here for the next 40-50 years without you, baring some weird unforeseen circumstance. That's a hell of a long time to not be able to look at someone and talk to someone and to randomly pick a direction and just drive that way without a care in the world with someone.
And I suppose that's just where you start....I'm a Wife/Widow, Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Niece, Cousin, and Friend before I am anything else and I wouldn't change me for the world.
So if you see me, and I look like I'm doing okay: don't worry. There's a storm raging inside of me that you can't see and I don't talk about unless I'm really comfortable enough to do so.
Death is unavoidable, as yours was as too, what brings me solace is in those moments few, the last thing in this life that you knew, Was love.
If nothing else, know this: I am finding me. I am accepting me. I am learning to understand Me. And that will have to be enough for right now.
Ah, sacrifice. That's the only way out.